The Thinking Parrot

A lady walked into a pet shop demanding for a parrot.

The owner: "We have 2 kinds: one repeats everything you say and the other thinks for itself."

"I think I'll like the one that thinks for itself," replied the lady.

The owner brought out her choice and told her to quiz the parrot.

"How do I look?" asked the lady.

"Like a prostitute!" replied the parrot.

"This parrot is rude. I won't buy it," said the lady.

"Please give me a moment," replied the owner as he walked towards the backyard with the parrot.

He dipped the parrot into a bucket full of water and warned the parrot: "If you are rude to that lady one more time I will drown you in this bucket."

When the man came back to the counter he told the lady: "Now ask the parrot anything you wish and I assure that he will be polite."

CONVERSATION

Lady: "If I come home at night with a man, what'll you call this man?"

Parrot: "Your husband."

Lady: "Good. What if I come home with two men?"

Parrot: "Your husband and your in-law."

Lady: "Good. Good. What if I come home with three men?"

Parrot: "Your husband, your in-law and your brother."

Lady: "Gooood! What if I come home with four men?"

The parrot looked back at the owner and said: "Please just drown me. I said it earlier that this woman is a prostitute!"

The Honest Judge

Judge to the court at the start of a case: "I have to declare an interest in this case. Last week, the plaintiff sent me a check for $10,000 to find in his favor. Two days later, I received $20,000 from the defendant to find in his favor. I have therefore sent $10,000 back to the defendant and can try the case without bias."

Quote of the day

"If you are the one perfect person in an imperfect world, you are flawed."

By Palle Oswald.

The story of the pencil

A boy was watching his grandmother write a letter. At one point he asked:
‘Are you writing a story about what we’ve done? Is it a story about me?’
His grandmother stopped writing her letter and said to her grandson:
I am writing about you, actually, but more important than the words is the pencil I’m using. I hope you will be like this pencil when you grow up.’
Intrigued, the boy looked at the pencil. It didn’t seem very special.
‘But it’s just like any other pencil I’ve ever seen!’
‘That depends on how you look at things. It has five qualities which, if you manage to hang on them, will make you a person who is always at peace with the world.’
‘First quality: you are capable of great things, but you must never forget that there is a hand guiding your steps. We call that hand God, and He always guides us according to His will.’
‘Second quality: now and then, I have to stop writing and use a sharpener. That makes the pencil suffer a little, but afterwards, he’s much sharper. So you, too, must learn to bear certain pains and sorrows, because they will make you a better person.
‘Third quality: the pencil always allows us to use an eraser to rub out any mistakes. This means that correcting something we did is not necessarily a bad thing; it helps to keep us on the road to justice.’
‘Fourth quality: what really matters in a pencil is not its wooden exterior, but the graphite inside. So always pay attention to what is happening inside you.’
‘Finally, the pencil’s fifth quality: it always leaves a mark. in just the same way, you should know that everything you do in life will leave a mark, so try to be conscious of that in your every action’

By Paulo Coelho

Quote of the day

"The problem is not the problem. The problem is your attitude about the problem. Do you understand?"

- Captain Jack Sparrow

What Might Have Been

I held a moment in my hand,
Brilliant as a star,
Fragile as a flower,
A shiny silver out of one hour.
I dropped it carelessly.
Oh God! I knew not
I held opportunity.

By Hazel Lee

Carry on!

It's easy to fight when everything's right,
And you're mad with the thrill and the glory;
It's easy to cheer when victory's near,
And wallow in fields that are gory.
It's a different song when everything's wrong.
When you're feeling infernally mortal;
When it's ten against one, and hope there is none,
Buck up, little soldier, and chortle:

Carry on! Carry on!
There isn't much punch in your blow.
You're glaring and staring and hitting out blind;
You're muddy and bloody, but never mind.
Carry on! Carry on!
You haven't the ghost of a show.
It's looking like death, but while you've a breath,
Carry on, my son! Carry on!

And so in the strife of the battle of life
It's easy to fight when you're winning;
It's easy to slave, and starve and be brave,
When the dawn of success is beginning.
But the man who can meet despair and defeat
With a cheer, there's a man of God's choosing;
The man who can fight to Heaven's own height
Is the man who can fight when he's losing.

Carry on! Carry on!
Things never were looming so black.
But show that you haven't a cowardly streak,
And though you're unlucky you never are weak.
Carry on! Carry on!
Brace up for another attack.
It's looking like hell, but - you never can tell;
Carry on, old man! Carry on!

There are some who drift out in the deserts of doubt,
And some who in brutishness wallow;
There are others, I know, who in piety go
Because of a Heaven to follow.
But to labor with zest, and to give of your best,
For the sweetness and joy of the giving;
To help folks along with a hand and a song;
Why, there's the real sunshine of living.

Carry on! Carry on!
Fight the good fight and true;
Believe in you mission, greet life with a cheer;
There's big work to do, and that's why you are here.
Carry on! Carry on!
Let the world be the better for you;
And at last when you die, let this be your cry:
Carry on, my soul! Carry on!

By Robert W. Service

The Godfather

A mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated him out of $10,000,000. His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that Guido could hear nothing so he would not have to testify in court.
When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language.
The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where's the money?"
The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, "Where's the money?"
Guido signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."
The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you are talking about"
The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's temple and says, "Ask him again!"
The lawyer signs to Guido, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him."
Guido signs back, "OK.! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house."
The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?"
The lawyer replies, " He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger. Go fuck yourself."

Pirate Tales

A pirate has hostages tied on the deck of a captured ship.
Pirate: Come here, I will kill you all one after the other. What is your name?
Female hostage: Katherine.
Pirate: I had a sister named Katherine but she died of sickness. I will let you live in her honour.
*pirate moves on*
Pirate: What is your name.
Male hostage: Gary but my friends call me Katherine.

Quote of the day

"Logic will take you from point A to point B. Imagination will take you everywhere."

By Albert Einstein

Designated Decoy

One night, a police officer was stalking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible violations of the driving under the influence laws. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys on five different cars before he found his.

Then, he sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. Everyone left the bar and drove off. Finally, he started his engine and began to pull away.

The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered the Breathalyzer test. The results showed a reading of 0.0.

"How is this possible?" asked the puzzled officer.

The driver replied, "Tonight, I'm the Designated Decoy."